Posted on September 17, 2008
Filed Under Web 2.0 Kool Aid |
The global economy is in the shitter. VCs have moved on to sexier markets. Drama 2.0’s hobbyist blogging activities earn him more profit in a year than your funded startup has generated in the past 2 years. There are 20 competitors in your market and 18 of them are already headed to the deadpool.
The writing is on the wall: your Web 2.0 dream is going to turn into a nightmare real quick. Metaphorically speaking, the nightclub is about to close and the only women who haven’t already gone home with somebody look about as attractive as a female version of Marc Canter despite the fact that you’ve had about 10 servings of Jack Daniels, 5 of Jäger and can barely even tweet the words, “I’m fucked up.”
In other words, it’s time to go home. Alone.
When your Web 2.0 startup folds and you’re not even left with an Aeron chair for $15, it’s easy to get depressed and fall into a downward spiral that has you making daily trips to Sharon Heights Wine & Liquor in Menlo Park.
But not to fear - there are lots of opportunities for the displaced white collar workers Web 2.0 leaves behind. Here are a few of them.
Collect unemployment. Take a few months off and relax courtesy of Uncle Sam. Don’t be embarrassed - a little government cheese never hurt anyone (just ask Wall Street).
Go back to school. Life doesn’t end by the age of 30. It’s never too late to become a lawyer, doctor,
investment banker or to simply spend a few years poking 20 year-old girls.
Recommendations for the latter: San Diego State, Arizona State, Florida State, University of Texas, UCLA, Ole Miss (yes, I’ve “audited classes” at many universities).
Sell your Web 2.0 schwag on eBay. Bundling Web 2.0 schwag with Bear Sterns and Lehman Brothers schwag may make for an especially compelling package.
Rebuild your social life. You just wasted three years of your life working crazy hours for a Web 2.0 startup led by a socially-awkward kid who thinks that a “social utility” on the Internet is the best way for individuals to interact with each other.
Rediscover the real world - hit the nightclubs, beaches and all the other locations where people who aren’t socially inept hang out.
Get a real job. The global economy isn’t in great shape but terrific career opportunities are still available. If you’re an AJAX expert, you probably need look no further than your nearest McDonald’s or Wal-Mart.
Find a sugar mamma/sugar daddy. Guys: trust me when I tell you that there are desperate housewives in Atherton looking for a few good men.
Gals: never underestimate what a little lunchtime nookie is worth to an overworked VP at Oracle whose wife is banging a member of the Drama Squad.
Take a spiritual journey. Digg deep into your soul and reconnect with your inner essence. Be sure to enjoy some ganja and free love while you’re at it.
Start your own company. Let’s face it - it sucks going from “VP of Community Evangelism” at a hot startup to “Associate” at Wal-Mart.
The easiest solution to this nasty assault on your ego is to become CEO of your own company. Come up with a snazzy company name (i.e. Twattr), copy an existing product, print some business cards, buy a sportscoat from Men’s Wearhouse, hang out at TechCrunch events hoping for a plug and take pride in knowing that even though you’re not making any money, you still have a monied title.
Turn to a life of crime. Whoever said crime doesn’t pay wasn’t selling enough China White, wasn’t stealing enough cars or wasn’t running a big enough botnet. Trade the excitement of the pre-IPO startup lifestyle for the criminal lifestyle.
Your bank account will thank you for it if everything works out; your anus won’t if you go to gen pop.
Go to Vegas. Head to Sin City for the weekend, check in to the Palms, pick up a few escorts and hit the tables. If you received a really good severance, throw some cocaine into the mix for a really fun time.
Trust me: if you die before doing this, you never really lived in the first place.
Let yourself go. If all else fails, just throw in the towel and give up on life.
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