Apple Is to Geeks What Breasts Are to Men
Posted on June 10, 2008
Filed Under Culture & Technology |
Yesterday was a special day for geeks around the world. They finally had something besides Twitter to write about.
Yes, that can only mean one thing: Apple released a new iPhone.
Blogs like Engadget and TechCrunch dedicated a chunk of their daily “coverage” to the iPhone and the mainstream press was equally guilty of indulging in the hype.
Given that I’m not easily amused by technology gadgets and am not particularly fond of cell phones (I value both my and my ), I always get amused when I see throngs of geeks - mostly male - lining up to see what Apple is going to release.
It’s like watching a group of teenage boys who have never seen a pair of breasts lining up to get a peek at their first Playboy.
Enough is enough.
While I wouldn’t ask any self-respecting man to give up his love for a beautiful pair of breasts, there’s something awfully creepy about grown men who can’t walk along Plage de Tahiti in Saint Tropez without gawking like pubescent boys.
Since Apple is to geeks what breasts are to men, it’s worth pointing out that all of the Apple fanboys are essentially those pubescent boys.
It’s time to grow up.
I don’t care if Apple makes great products. I don’t care if Apple is innovative. I don’t care if Steve Jobs is Jesus Christ 2.0. There’s simply no justification for there to be so many Apple groupies, just as there’s no legitimate reason to worship C or D-cups.
Fortunately, I’m not the only one who thinks this way. News.com’s Charles Cooper writes:
Let’s face the truth: Apple gets a enormous amount of free publicity because we’ve all bought into the idea that it’s special. I suppose kudos are in order to Apple’s corporate media planners on a job well done.
In other words, the press and bloggers have been “pussy-whipped” by Apple PR’s team.
There’s nothing flattering about that, especially when one considers that most of the Apple groupies seem to have some sort of anti-corporate fetish going.
Bottom line: no matter how “cool” or “trendy,” the iPhone is still just a cell phone.
It’s not going to help you lose weight. It’s not going to make you more money. It’s not going to make you more productive. It’s not going to help you attract a woman. And it certainly isn’t going to help the fact that if you waited in line to get it, you’re probably a complete loser.
No, in the overall scheme of things, the iPhone is pretty damn boring because just like a tit, there’s really only so much you can do with it.
At the end of the day, as much as I love breasts, I won’t pay money for them and I certainly won’t wait in line for them.
Apple groupies might want to consider that before they waste their time, their money, their brains and their sperm on that new iPhone.
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25 Responses to “Apple Is to Geeks What Breasts Are to Men”
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Sir I believe the following statements to be fallacious
It’s not going to help you lose weight. It’s not going to make you more money. It’s not going to make you more productive. It’s not going to help you attract a woman.
…..
and yes I have breasts
I have to admit I like both.
You can’t just write this whole thing off as a great stunt by the Apple PR people. You would give them too much credit. Truth is, Apple makes products that work unlike any other and they understand what people want from technology unlike any other company.
Want proof? Here it is;
The fact that they (and their products) are worshipped like no other company.
Unfortunately this box is too small to really get into it but the books by Leander Kahney do a great job of explaining the phenomena.
Come on, it’s just a way to stay together and share a passion…I don’t feel stupid for being part of a community, a group of people who shares the same “love” for Apple products…
These are positive emotions, after all, what’s so wrong with that?
Allison: I think the FDA is on my side.
Boris: even if Apple makes great products and is unlike any other technology company, I would simply argue that there are few things in this world that a person would be wise to “worship.” And a product or company certainly isn’t one of them.
Francesco: harboring a “love” for a product is just not all that flattering. Whether it’s an iPhone or a Louis Vuitton hand bag, there’s something awfully empty about finding personal fulfillment in a product that really doesn’t do a whole lot for you in the overall scheme of things.
Want a passion? Climb mountains, write novels, travel the world, save the rainforst.
Real passions challenge you mentally and/or physically. They don’t beep, light up and ring.
Great post!
I was linked to this via Tumblr, another example of a product that attracts pubescent-like geeks despite the fact that it provides very little addition to the blogging lifestyle. But like Apple it has great design in a world that’s full of horrible looking things. Clean and simplistic it offers the allure of safe, easy, smart, and ‘the future’ all at the same time, creating a brand that convinces consumers it’s not a brand but a piece of a lifestyle lots of young adults want to have.
The evidence…I agree Apple doesn’t provide enough to warrant the worship but the worship doesn’t bother me until the jerk in the movie theater can’t put his iPhone down or call it a ‘cell phone’, not iPhone. That device more than anything has mutated the social skills of many. And the iPhone 2.0? ‘Twice as fast, half the price’. Basically what the first iPhone should have been and had no reason not to be besides greed. It finally caught up to my 2 year old Samsung Blackjack but 2.0 will still sell in record numbers despite how many many people already have an iPhone. I don’t want to get started on their MP3 players and how overpriced they are. Every Mac program has a PC equivalent that’s usually better (Microsoft Works vs. iLife and iWork) because a company would have to invest tons of energy and money to create Mac programs and very few have. Those who have provided both Mac and PC software therefore mark the Mac software at considerably higher prices. Apple is still around because of how well they predicted visuals would matter to young folks. Did they trademark the color white? Because no other company is jumping on the ’sleek and white’ thing that’s obviously popular. One good thing is that they seem to be interested in environmentalism and humanitarianism..though it doesn’t come close to the Gates’ work.
-Written on a MacBook
You should post more often!
Although yes, admittedly not much has been happening of late except for Twitter bitch sessions, but still, your posts are quite amusing.
You’re such a pessimist. I don’t like the way you share your views but I’m sure you don’t care. I just wanted to write it down.
If Appel products are so famous and everyone talk about it, it’s just because it’s great. And the iPhone is not just a cell phone. But it would be pointless arguing anything with you cause you don’t give the impression you want to listen to anything but your own.
PS: I love Apple products.
Alright, I’m not trying to play devil’s advocate here, but here’s an honest response to some of your points:
“Bottom line: no matter how ‘cool’ or ‘trendy,’ the iPhone is still just a cell phone.”
- Actually, it’s an mp3 player and an Internet-enabled device too.
“It’s not going to help you lose weight.”
- Not directly, but it’s nice to be able to listen to music while you jog, work out, etc.
“It’s not going to make you more money.”
- Er actually, I’ve had several job interviews (I work in the tech industry) where I’ve had to discuss the iPhone at length, and by being an owner, it definitely gave me more insightful knowledge and a leg up.
“It’s not going to make you more productive.”
- Gee, this is the weakest of your statements. I mean, it is an Internet-enabled device… you can read and send email, check your calendar, take notes, look up stuff online, navigate w/ Google Maps, etc. It is a productivity tool; that’s part of the point of it. Not sure why you decided to put this one in.
“It’s not going to help you attract a woman.”
- Actually, I’ve had plenty of conversations struck up just because I have an iPhone, especially with other iPhone owners. As with other things, it’s always a plus to have common ground to talk about. Finally, plenty of women are attracted to money, you can’t deny that, and (at least when it first came out) owning an iPhone was a pretty sure indicator of having money.
“And it certainly isn’t going to help the fact that if you waited in line to get it, you’re probably a complete loser.”
- Alright, I’ll give you the right to feel that way, but that’s just subjective.
Anyways, the point is, don’t make blanket statements like those and expect them to hold up.
Person:
Cell Phone
You’re right. It’s a trendy electronics device. I assume it also serves as a vibrator too?
Weight Loss
You lose weight because you get off your ass - not because music is playing on your iPod while you’re off your ass. We’re talking causality here, my friend.
A Better Job
You applied for a job in Apple customer support?
If you think that the iPhone is a typical subject for discussion in the average job interview and provides for the demonstration of "insightful knowledge," I’m afraid you don’t live in the same reality as everyone outside of Silicon Valley.
Productivity
You assume that doing all of these things boosts productivity. A number of studies have found email and Internet access to correlate inversely with productivity. Putting even those aside, however, I’d argue that productivity has far more to do with the work ethic of the individual than the technology gadgets the individual has.
I’ve yet to meet a single person who stood out as being more productive because of his cell phone. Quite honestly, the most clusterfucked people I know are the ones who are so married to their Blackberries that they don’t know what’s really going on around them.
Women
Where are you hanging out? If having a $500 cell phone is considered a status symbol where you live…
Try this: take a $200,000 sports car for a test spin and tell me that doesn’t produce signficantly better results.
Drama 2.0:
Cell Phone
You’re right. It’s a trendy electronics device. I assume it also serves as a vibrator too?
– Yup! You can even download an app to make it vibrate constantly.
Weight Loss
You lose weight because you get off your ass - not because music is playing on your iPod while you’re off your ass. We’re talking causality here, my friend.
– Yes, with the presence of the word “help” in the author’s assertion, I felt it appropriate to use causality.
A Better Job
You applied for a job in Apple customer support?
– No, it was in software engineering or product/program management. Either Apple, or Microsoft, or Google. I don’t remember which.
If you think that the iPhone is a typical subject for discussion in the average job interview and provides for the demonstration of “insightful knowledge,” I’m afraid you don’t live in the same reality as everyone outside of Silicon Valley.
– Well, yes, you have me there - I do indeed work in Silicon Valley, and I was not trying to imply that it’d be helpful outside of it. The author did not say “outside of Silicon Valley.” I presented an argument - just because it does not apply in all places does not make it invalid.
Productivity
You assume that doing all of these things boosts productivity. A number of studies have found email and Internet access to correlate inversely with productivity. Putting even those aside, however, I’d argue that productivity has far more to do with the work ethic of the individual than the technology gadgets the individual has.
– Good argument. I think I’d agree that the work ethic matters a lot more than the particular gadget. That said, I do not think these studies mean that the iPhone CANNOT help you be more productive, which is what we’re debating here.
I’ve yet to meet a single person who stood out as being more productive because of his cell phone. Quite honestly, the most clusterfucked people I know are the ones who are so married to their Blackberries that they don’t know what’s really going on around them.
– I’m going to go ahead and argue that I am one person who is more productive because of my iPhone. Nice to meet you!
Women
Where are you hanging out? If having a $500 cell phone is considered a status symbol where you live…
– I was a college student. 500 bucks is a lot of money in college! Anyways, what if $500 *was* considered a status symbol where I lived? So what of it? It doesn’t make the argument less true. Don’t hate on the poor. (I’m only half-joking btw.)
Try this: take a $200,000 sports car for a test spin and tell me that doesn’t produce signficantly better results.
– Ha, I won’t disagree with you there, but again, a $200k sports car isn’t a possibility for most people. And the fact that an expensive car accomplishes the result better than an iPhone, again, does not invalidate my argument.
Anyways, you didn’t contradict my other statements in the “Women” category, so most of my points still stand.
I’m not trying to indoctrinate you into thinking the iPhone is the savior of the world. I’m just saying the author does not appear to have been thinking very deeply when he made all those over-arching statements; he was just spouting off.
Person: good-natured antangonism can be fun but I think your decision to argue these points isn’t all that productive.
Perhaps, in summary, you should look at it this way: if I asked average consumers walking down the street whether they believed an iPhone would help them lose weight, earn more money, be more productive and attract a member of the opposite sex, how do you think the vast majority would respond?
Food for thought. You figure it out.
For “Person on June 11th, 2008 6:02 pm” - Excellent Job!
But this is a great article. And yes! yes! The iPhone is just like breasts!
And you know why? Because before the iPhone, I had never seen a phone I actually “wanted” to use. Cell phones are really awful, let’s just admit it. They stink. Maybe this is just me — but I’ve worked for a wireless company for almost a decade now and this is based on all of the phones I’ve seen during that time.
For me, it’s like a microwave against an oven. Sure, an oven gets the job done, but most people prefer a microwave. It’s alot easier! iPhone is still “new”, so it still has the “wow” factor. Good point in the article though, it IS just a phone. But finally a phone that works like a phone should work. And for alot of “geeks” that is truly exciting. For everyone else, I think it’s probably more like…”finally”.
Brian: how is a phone supposed to work? Please educate me.
I have a cheap old cell phone and it seems to work just fine - when somebody calls, it rings and displays the phone number/name. If it’s somebody who can make me money, I answer it. If it isn’t, I don’t.
I’ve never had a problem but you are worrying me. Is it supposed to be doing anything else?
You’ve just contributed a few hundred more dollars of free Apple publicity.
Congratulations.
Rip Ragged: I think you overestimate the media value of any publicity from this blog.
Wow, I’m kind of stunned at how horrifyingly misogynistic this post and all of the OP’s responses are. What a dick.
Lily: I was stunned too. It’s really disappointing that there are still people saying and writing things that aren’t sugar-coated.
Sadly, mindless political correctness is apparently is a virtue that hasn’t yet been adopted by everyone and dirty humor about body parts still plagues our society.
That said, the post was about breasts. In an effort to maintain what little decency is left here, let’s not bring dicks into the discussion.
@ Rip Ragged - Drama 2.0 is right, his blog has contributed a little to the publicity but probably not “one phone’s” worth.
@ Drama 2 - you are correct about how a phone is supposed to work at the baseline level, but you are purposely ignoring the ease of use and enjoyment factors in having a tool that a user LIKES / WANTS to use. Apparently, you are put off by the gushing of some users and media types. We get it…..
I enjoyed Brian’s comments and a number of others here and the initial post has points of merit to make it worth my time to read and post. bye
wilwit: thanks. I guess I’m just one of those people who sees a hammer as a hammer. Like a hammer, I think a cell phone is, at its core, a utilitarian tool.
While I certainly appreciate that some see far more in it, I think the level of hype the iPhone has received makes about as much sense as celebrating the introduction of a hammer with a more comfortable grip.
Drama: point taken. There are a lot of different hammers (claw, ball-peen, sledge, etc…) for all kinds of jobs. Knives might be a better analogy (swiss army, buck, bayonette, etc…) so you might prefer the single blade pocket knife and I might prefer the swiss army.
points for the best summation of the whole IPhone issue.
[…] “Apple Is to Geeks What Breasts Are to Men” […]
damn I thought vibration mode was stimulating my muscles so I’d lose weight without doing anything…. can I get refund please….
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