Posted on January 25, 2008
Filed Under Letters from Mark Zuckerberg |
In my new parody column, Letters from Mark Zuckerberg, a Fake MZ will apologize for all the trouble he’s causing as he experiments and tries to make the world a better place.
About three years ago, Facebook started trying to help poor people without access to adequate heat by pumping large amounts of methane into the atmosphere. We succeeded in warming the globe but now scientists have agreed that global warming poses a major threat to the human race and it’s clear that we made a mistake by encouraging too much global warming. While I am disappointed with our mistakes, we appreciate all the feedback we have received from the human population. I’d like to discuss what we have learned.
When we first thought of pumping methane into the atmosphere, our goal was to find a simple way to ensure that people didn’t get cold. It had to be a solution that wouldn’t inconvenience people, but still had to be effective enough so people in the coldest regions wouldn’t freeze to death. We were excited about methane because in one of the classes I took at Harvard before I dropped out, I read somewhere that an atmospheric increase in greenhouse gasses, like methane, would warm the planet. I dropped out before the lecturer explained the negative consequences of this, but I always thought that if we found the right balance of methane release, we would give more people access to the heat they need to stay comfortable.
But we missed the right balance. At first we tried releasing small amounts of methane. This was typically sourced from the bathrooms at Facebook’s headquarters in Palo Alto. The problem with our initial approach, however, was that I was the only Facebook employee at the time that produced much methane. It would take too long to provide the heat people needed. So we started partnering with industrial polluters around the world and using the money we had raised to have more methane pumped into the atmosphere. It worked, but then Al Gore discovered that global warming was a bad thing. Instead of acting quickly, we took too long to decide on how to react. With our $15 billion valuation, we were producing more methane than ever before. It was hard to stop. I’m not proud of the way we’ve handled this situation and I know we can do better.
We are currently meeting with political leaders and top scientists to figure out a way to stop global warming. I continue to produce methane, however Facebook has severed its ties with industrial polluters and I am purchasing carbon credits to offset my personal releases which usually come after the catered meals at the Facebook office (and whenever I open my mouth, of course). On behalf of everyone working at Facebook, I want to apologize for our contribution to the destruction of the environment and want to assure you that when global warming causes ecological collapse, you will still be able to use Facebook to poke your friends, provided that they are currently living above the future sea levels.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.
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